Satisfaction.  Yesterday was a rough day.  Between my phone dying, random family difficulties, the church unknowingly stealing my 25' cat6 cable, and me looking at the wrong time all night, I've been a bit stressed.  I had really looked forward to spending all night on my computer gaming.  I hadn't touched it since before Nebraska.  It's hard to use it though when there's no way to reach the router because the cable you were using has been screwed into the wall so that it can be used to a new copy machine.  *sigh*  So instead I went to McDonalds with Saags in reverse so that he could order and get food out of the passenger side, so that we could take the food back to his place, so that we could eat while watching How I Met Your Mother.  It was a good note to end on.

I'm really trying to get back on the road of regular blogging.  I don't know how that's going to play out, but it'd be nice.  I certainly miss Xanga.  Now that I've got some free time, I really should update more.  At the very least, know that I'm working on it.  But now, I must be off to bed.  I love you guys!

Seriously Fox, how the fuck did I miss that?  Arghh.  Erie's so small dude, you should have just yelled my name!  I would have heard! 

In other news, the insane work schedule continues, with me having worked ~50 hours in 4 days.  Tomorrow morning starts a 3 days field exercise for the Army.  That should be a great time.  *sigh*  I'm not even close to done packing yet, lol.  I've got at least one more load of laundry to do.  Which really isn't that bad.  It could certainly be a lot worse.  I've still got quite a bit of stuff packed up from Nebraska, so it won't be too bad.  I just have to find all of the small stuff I tend to misplace. 

Also of note, my phone is dying a slow and painful death.  The screen is slowly turning to black... It makes deciding whether or not to answer the phone terribly difficult.  I can't believe it's already almost 7pm.  I pretty much slept the day away.  *sigh*  Oh well, I slept for over 5 hours today.  That's the longest I've slept this week by a long shot.  It felt amazingly awesome.  Though I probably completely screwed my sleep cycle.

So I leave for drill tomorrow morning...I come back Sunday night.  With any luck I'll have Monday morning off of work which will give me some recovery time.  I already have to work Monday night at Art's for sure, so to have a 3 FTX, then work a 14 hour day...not my idea of a party.  *shrug*  You do what you have to I suppose.

Despite the amount of bitching I do, this week actually went pretty well.  It was much better than the previous week.  I'm getting used to the higher stress level and sleep deprivation now.  However, I don't think I'll be able to do it past Christmas.  It'll be interesting to see needless to say.  I mean, before I gave a guy one of my Art's shifts, I was at what probably would have been 68 hours for the week.  lol, that would have been awesome. 

So yes, life is good.  Fox you fucker, you could have E-mailed.  Bloody Canucks...  Hell, you should have came into Art's the other day.  We were listening to In Violet Light.  Don't be too upset about the missing me thing though, I have every intention of getting my passport so that it will be easier for me to rape you on whim.

It only seems right to start off with you, now that I've got the last of three copies in my hand again. It brings back so many memories. We've done some crazy shit over the years. It seems interesting that it seems like the same situation occurred again. Ironic a bit, I feel. Nevertheless, I want you to know that I've still got the poster and the notebook. I'll always treasure those.

The bottom line, at the end of the day, is that I just don't know what to do. At the beginning, I should have understood the real root of the problem. I didn't, and that's my fault. I'm not trying to be apathetic here, trust me I understand where you're coming from, but I've been through this twice now. I realize that nothing I do is ever going to make you happy. I'm tired of trying. It hurts. I care about you, I want the best for you, and I think I've realized that the best for you would just be avoiding you.

You sir, make up such a large part of the foundation of my life. I have no idea what I'd do without you. I could spend the rest of my life writing down all the times you saved my ass. I could spend the rest of my life writing down all the ways that your ass is the sexiest ass I've ever seen. Unfortunately, I only have one lifetime, so I'm probably going to spend it trying to get in your ass. And occasionally I say I love you, in some vain attempt to convey the depth of my appreciation and respect for you. It doesn't come close. Nonetheless, I love you.

The problem is, at the end of the day, no matter how I try to argue my emotions down with logic, I always fail. I feel used. The cliché phrase is actions speak louder than words. You say you appreciate all I do. It doesn't show. I'd seriously be going crazy now, thinking that I'm being a dick if it weren't for the fact I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. I don't know how to fix this. I'm not very good at asking for things, but this isn't working. Even though this I'm sure is coming off as really blunt. It's not even close to what I'd like to say. How I'd like to describe how beaten into a corner by circumstance I feel. How I'd like to go into detail about how all the times your actions of indicated that you seriously have no idea how much you're asking of people, especially of me. I've watched you change a lot over the course of our relationship. I've been with you through the good and the bad. I've sure as hell been through times worse than these for you. This is when things are supposed to start getting better. Progress is supposed to occurring now. However, I don't see it. I keep holding out, hoping things will get better. I want things to get better. I really just don't know how that's going to happen.

"The ice cream is amazing," you said. We sure as hell gave you a hard time for that. *grin* I've always said you're amazing. I've probably told you a thousand times already. I'm sure it's irritating, but you know what it would take for me to stop. You've got the power to make it stop. However, that's not really the important part of this paragraph. Even if the ice cream truly is amazing, even if eating a cone of that ice cream is the best part of your life, it's not even half as amazing as you. I know you feel I'm feeding you lines. I can tell you to your face, I can call you, text you, give it to you spread out over multiple sources in ASCII, and I've done all of those, and I'll continue to do them. I really truly hope that you believe me, that you recognize I'm never saying anything just feed you a line or just to say something. If you ever begin to doubt though, if a worry ever creeps into your heart, I will find a new line, a new action, a new technique to communicate the undying truth I feel towards you. For the record though, I’m sorry about your shoulder, lol. You are amazing.

I actually came online to blog. I had a few things I really wanted to get off my chest. Every time I sit down at this machine my mind goes blank. My heart sinks deep into my chest leaving nothing but a faint murmur of emotion. Ten minutes ago, before I had even walked in the door, I had this entire post written out in my head.

Life is amazing. It's brilliantly amazing. The other day I got in a fight with a vacuum cleaner. I lost, lol. *grin*

Tom and Tim make up pretty much the most amazing bastion of sanity I've ever resided in. Between the two of them, they could cure brain AIDS. Tim has such an amazing understanding of me and is such an optimistic person, that so often he needs only speak two sentences to completely turn my day around. It's not unusual to let my paranoia or my past experiences to get me down, I honestly don't know how I'd get through the days where those things get in the way without him.

As for Tom, his hope knows no bounds. Talking to him is like reliving the life I had just a few years ago. He's beautiful - so full of energy that his brilliance radiates off of him and into the friends he has around him.

I've got a few experiences well in the past - childhood days - that I don't really talk about much. They're just those kinds of moments that define who you are. I've always kind of figured they were defining moments, I could see the tendrils of a familiar pattern snaking through the years of my life. In the last few years, there have been times when I've looked back and gone "Yes. It's clear. This obscene action, this disastrous event occurred because of moment X." Time goes by, I dwell on the facts, sorting out the truth from the fallacy, and am left saying "I know that moment X is the causation. I understand the what and why to my response whenever I'm in this situation." From there I can change the pattern, cut off that tendril. I really thought I was done with that process, thought that I had managed to separate myself from that period of time, not that I was trying to forget, just attempting to reverse the past's damage. I think I realized tonight that I was mistaken in that assumption. The realization sent such a flood of emotion. I kept alternating between this immense bitterness and irritation at the recognition of another problem with myself to a feeling of glory and hope to finally overcoming something I couldn't understand.

This last week has been absolutely amazing. It's been a long time since I've felt this hopeful about something. Still, hope aside, I was nervous. I can never seem to be absolutely sure of anything, and as the stakes went up, I got more worried. I want the best, I pray for the best, I hope for the best, but I never achieve it, and my god did that tear me up. Truth be told, the fear still grips me occasionally, but there's always wisdom to be found, usually in the most unexpected place. I was reading one of those daily calendar things that has some sort of inspiration for each day. On that day, it referenced Psalm 23, which pretty much all of us can at least half recite. It didn't give the entire Psalm though, just the first line. "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want." It struck me in a weird sort of way. I've read, said, and discussed that particular Psalm thousands of times, from every possible outlook, in every possible style. It's always done as a whole though. You always look at it as a whole, never just one line.

“The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want.” Not only do I know that I have a God who will guide me out of the valley, but I know that all my needs will be met as well. I know my thirst will be satisfied, my desire for inner peace fulfilled. I know my need to accomplish the task of becoming a better person will be realized. I understand that he’s achieving this through the negative shadows of my past.

You know, I’m no spiritual leader; I can’t come close to articulating the glory of God. All I can say is that he fills me with hope, a hope that floods over the walls of my soul, filling me with a strength and a purpose that no other event or experience has ever close to giving me.

I've been listening to Hendrix's "All Along the Watchtower." It's amazing, truly mind blowing, and also a good intro into the latest Hip CD, which has been on my mind constantly all day. It's been another good day in the ever-growing list of consecutive awesome days. Not to take away from the rest of the things that occurred today, but the best thing about today was definitely getting drugs. I can start weening myself off of Prednisone slowly, which will be great, because I'm pretty tired of it. It makes me really aggressive and angry, which doesn't bode well when relationships I have with people get stressed, and I'm actually going to have to leave it at that, because just thinking about it is making me angry.

For dinner today I had 14 slices of bacon. I am thirsty. lol.

And as for the secret happenings of the night that even after a Xanga post are still left shrouded in mystery: All I can say is that the night involved a couch, a ladder, gloves, jackets, a blanket, lights, fans, my dad, and a very small amount of dish soap. *grin* Ya, tonight was pretty bad ass.